Frank Magazine
http://www.frankmagazine.ca
Pubdate: June 11, 2003
  
Hill hacks sleep through drug bust
 
Pop quiz: A man is arrested on Parliament Hill with a 
significant quantity of marijuana, which he is apparently 
attempting to distribute to MPs. Is it a story?
 
Not, it seems, if the accused is serial candidate and 
fruitloop John Turmel.
 
The tiresome Turmel, a professional gambler who holds the 
Guinness World Record for the most (unsuccessful) attempts 
to attain public office, has run in 53 federal, provincial 
and municipal contests, wasting the time of such notable 
opponents as Byron Muldoon and Sheila Copps.
 
The press, understandably, is heartily sick of him. So much 
so that even when he was allegedly caught May 14 at the 
members' entrance of Centre Block, attempting to give 
legislators free dope as some kind of vague statement on 
decriminalization, none of the three-hundred plus alleged 
journalists covering the Hill noticed.
 
According to police, Turmel had three kilos, yes, kilos of 
marijuana in Ziploc bags, enough to supply each and every 
member of parliament with nearly 10 grams of smooth smoking 
pleasure. Hill security flatfeet first mildly suggested he 
should take his stash elsewhere. When he refused, the RCMP 
arrested him and charged with possession for the purposes of 
trafficking. He's scheduled to appear in court May 29. The 
accused is known to police, having previously been busted 
for running an unlicensed gambling establishment in 1993. 
When he ran in a 2001 byelection in Parry Sound-Muskoka to 
replace Ernie Eves, his winning ways somehow got him charged 
with trespassing at the frigging all-candidates' meeting.
 
It is not known whether Turmel was successful in 
distributing the drugs to any MPs, but the prime minister 
grew forgetful later that night, dropping a reference to the 
marijuana bill that was part of his prepared speech at a 
Montreal fundraiser, while Health Minister Anne McLellan 
seemed to be suffering from a bout of mild paranoia, warning 
that reefer madness would stalk the land if the weed is 
decriminalized.
 
Anyhoo, coverage of the hempy hullabaloo, right under the 
noses of the parliamentary press corps, was roughly zero. 
Unbore-able National Putz hack Tim Naumetz actually followed 
up on the story until an editor sniffed that he didn't want 
to dignify Turmel with any more "publicity."
 
In what can only be a bullish sign for Turmel's political 
prospects, it turns out he can, contrary to reports, still 
get arrested in Ottawa. It's just that nobody cares. Turmel 
could probably have been reached for comment, but Frank 
didn't bother.